I had an interesting time with my son, 16, this week. You see he’s of the go-go-go group. Each day they have fishing afterschool, hanging out to do a chore together, or some other activity planned as often as I’ll let him go. The last three weeks we’ve been home alone together as his sister has been at his grandparents and his Step dad deployed to Afghanistan.
The fun news….
He has been home almost every day for long periods of time despite it being summer. Why? Because he’s enjoying time alone with Mom. We’ve cooked for his friends, we’ve had movie nights, we’ve had a water war or three in the backyard, we’ve taken our labs to the river to run…good times.
You see, it turns out that even a soon to be seventeen year old covets being with Mom…but of course child union rules prohibit that from being announced….but coming home from the second of two ten hour drives the other day after football camp….he broke the rules…”Mom, its been great spending time alone together….I’ve really enjoyed it”
I managed to not go off the road ….
Our children want us to be parents, want us to participate in their lives, want to know us
Today we celebrate our eighth anniversary. Like most marriages, it is not the fairy tale day that we often wish for….Dh is in Afghanistan…I am in Alabama…not exactly the romantic dinner and date I had hoped for….I am sure not the one Les hoped for either…A blended family takes time to become cohesive. After all we took two entirely different sets of children, cultures, expectations and histories and put them under one roof. We added deployments to war zones, teenage hormones, and two very much in love adults…..full time jobs, extended family illnesses…..things that real life is made of, but through it all I have had the strength of knowing that Les and I committed our marriage to God…that God restored our families and allowed us to find a new life together….
We are especially thankful this day for extended families and for the children’s other parents. We have not always seen everything through the same lenses, but we all kept trying to, and despite really difficult times and the best of times, our lives are made better by our decisions to keep the children first….after our lives together failed.
I am married to the most incredible man. A man who loves me and our children dearly…who tolerates more than i can imagine with a fly by the seat of her pants kinda wife who is thrilled every day when he comes through the door at home….
and I look so very forward to his return from Afghanistan to do just that….
At our home summer means that the children are going to be traveling to see their other parents. Our paperwork states six weeks is to be spent in another state, and if we don’t agree to the dates, its the first six weeks of summer. As little children six weeks was a very very long time to change households. We divorced when the children were very young, so letting a child go for six weeks was pretty tough. We recognized very early on that it probably needed to be adjusted and so we did. We work very hard to work with both sides of our children’s families. The grandparents are very important to us as well as our children’s need for both families to know and spend time with them.
As teenagers it seems that the tightrope gets higher. Youth camps, work, sports and friendships mean that often teens don’t want to go for six weeks at a time. I feel strongly that they need time with their dad as well, but costs are prohibitive to travel them cross country multiple times. This summer we staggered when our 13 and 16 year old go to another state. Their summer options and trips meant that 3 weeks was much more to everyone’s needs being met including their other parents. To be there three weeks with a break of a week or more at home meant that everyone could recover and at the same time have long enough to relax between another three weeks later in the summer. Many parents I know have found this to be helpful or to break it up in to two weeks and two weeks followed by two weeks with weeks at the residential parents in between.
When the children were smaller it felt like I was always the “give” on the schedules that conflicted. I understood I had the children all the time, but I also had the school hours, sleep hours and weekends they were often with their dad. It is important for each family to have the fun times, vacation times, and down times as well as the parenting times of homework, etc. It felt like my side was heavy on the responsibility, his side was heavy on the fun.
As mine are now reaching college, I hear them saying the fun things they did with Dad, but they are indeed remembering the closeness of Mom….My belief is that there is enough in our children’s hearts to allow all of us to love them….and they will only be benefitted when we allow them to love us all!
So glad you found us! We’re Les & Sweetie Berry, a blended family of almost eight years now! Les is currently deployed in Afghanistan, but we know where the real war is….raising the teenagers! Our oldest two are now in college and our oldest is married and on her own, our teenagers are 16 and 13. They are my original children , though we consider all of our children ours. Technically the older two were biologically Les’s the younger two my own.
Are you in a step family? Do you feel overwhelmed or simply without support. Come along. The hardest part is isolation sometimes, so join us for resources, fun chats on Twitter, and every now and then workshops or seminars (free!) Les and I work with organizations and ministries to help facilitate the needs of families like our own. Everything from the legal awareness of custody pick ups to simply including more lines for emails. Step and Blended families have some very special needs to overcome some of the stresses of coordinating households, we help to share best found hints as we go!
We’re getting ready for deployment in the Berry home this week. Les is Department of Defense and he’s headed to the Middle East. Deployment is a really tricky thing for some step families. When a biological mom or dad leaves the country, in some states a step child may be forced to change custody to the other parent’s home. Our family did not have such an issue arise when Les has deployed the other times. While we had custody of all four children, our legal paperwork did not leave concerns for custody in case of deployment, I simply continued mothering them all in our home.
In some ways stepfamilies are already used to distance loving. In our family we already have Skype accounts, email, and text messaging as a daily part of the routine so our children can connect to their other parents when they wish to. We have taken the precautions to limit who sees and has access to their accounts, and continually reinforce safety on the internet issues with them. Deployment in today’s technology means that at times dad or mom may be able to get to a computer on base and skype with their family, or use texting to say they are okay from a phone.
I encourage deploying parents to create books on video for their children. (even older ones) and tapes praying over their children for bedtime. Children need to see Mom and Dad and hear their voices. Letters are important and if possible, writing them before they go and leaving them with Mom is important during the first few weeks when a new duty station may mean 16 hour days and no time to write. The mail from the Middle East can take up to three weeks to arrive on a good day! Its so very important for the children to write to mom and dad there too. Pictures, handprints, drawings, and letters help being away from home bearable.
Deployment is hard on families, but we know its important that men and women are willing to protect our country. We’re proud of Les and will count the days until he’s home again!
Spring Break our children go to their other parents homes. We gather up the Saturday it begins and head three and a half hours on the high way to meet them halfway. We don’t have to, but we’ve found that cooperating and meeting half way is easier on all of us. Often the children’s stepmom is who meets us as opposed to their father. His work schedule is often difficult and it is easier all around if we meet her on the road. Upon arrival at a restaurant or store, we exchange pleasantries and then luggage. If a child is ill or having allergies, we talk about that too. It’s a pleasant exchange of children and then we’re off.
During Spring Break at our home we try very hard to take time to work on our marriage relationship. We eat foods that only the adults enjoy, we rent movies and take walks. This weekend we took Sunday and explored some land to build a home on in the future. We went down the country lanes and enjoyed the beauty of the day. These are intentional hand holding look into his eyes deeply moments….time to reconnect.
One of my favorite things to do when the children are away is to prepare a romantic meal at home over candlelight. I think it matters. I work on looking extra nice each evening when Les comes home and having something fun for dinner or dessert. It helps us realize that we are a WE even with children.
Texting with the children is this years interesting transition. We rarely call when they are visiting for a week, for its time with their parents “there” and we want them to focus on the good times there. When we call or involve very much it could be a trigger to keep them feeling torn between our homes. The truth is we want them to have a wonderful time there, to enjoy their spring break. Why wouldn’t we want that for them? Every now and then the devil tries to convince me that the children will want to live there full time….we had that conversation and subsequent court issue a few years ago with one of our children…but most of the time I can simply recognize that as unnecessary fear….and if they did we would work it out. They are 13 and 16 now..and able to discuss and process why they would feel that way.
Texting allows each of us to affirm we miss them and love them and to tell them to have a great day. Its unobtrusive and yet a moment of communication to say “love you!” When we meet them again next Sunday we’ll plan a quiet evening and a great meal when they arrive. It is important to me to give them 24 to 48 hours to emotionally process the transition. They come home exhausted and worn out, so its time to rest as well, then slowly we go back to our established routines by about day 3. This allows everyone time to readjust and handle any anxiety that moving households brings.
Easter has passed and Mother’s Day is coming. Did you know there is a StepMother’s Day as well? Personally Mother’s Day covers both for me. I reared my husband’s two children from the day we married in 2002. Mother’s Day from year one was a day I was very aware that I was privileged to have someone else’s children in my home on that special day. The children’s mother lived 400 miles away, so it was not often she got to see the children, some long weekends, holidays, and summer. Mother’s Day was important to me. As a teacher, I had helped children for decades make and deliver cards to moms, dads, and family at holidays, so it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t help my step children write, make things, and send gifts to their natural mom….why wouldn’t I, she is a vital part of why I am blessed!
Mother’s Day can be one of the single most painful days of the year for the non custodial mom or step mom, single mom, mom of children in heaven, and childless women. Stepmoms may not be acknowledged at all, though they try hard to pour into their step families lives. In fact, somehow Mother’s Day often allows outsiders to use the term as a pistol whipping experience to try to make a statement about who the “REAL” mother is…..and in my opinion the real Mothers are the women who reach out to love the children in their paths…whether their own or others…
I think Mother’s Day is for any friend, family, or woman who pours into the lives of their families, friends, and community.
Why would I want to celebrate a woman who was married to my husband before me? Because its not about that. Its about the fabulous children she brought into my life, about the joy and quiet understanding that together we have reared these children.
What are you doing to help your children and step children reach out to the caregivers in their lives? One of the ways we encourage appreciation is to start early, help your child choose 3 or more ladies in their lives who make a difference, make a homemade Mother’s Day Card, You tube Video, or bake a cookie and plan to deliver them near Mother’s Day….
Together you’ll learn so much about who is important to your children…..and maybe realize who is important in your own heart too!
I am so excited to share with you a new Online Conference for Step and Blended Families!
In 2010, Shirley Cress Dudley LPC, author of Blended Family Advice expanded her focus and founded United Marriage and Family Associates. This group of marriage and family professionals provides opportunities for families to receive quality and affordable education and enrichment through the Marriage and Family Online Conferences. Shirley is excited to offer monthly marriage and family events that will help everyone involved be the best they can be. .
These monthly events will be accessible for audience participants fifteen days after the conference. Your tickets will entitle you to access all the speakers each month and their materials (audio, video, etc) during the month to attend and re-attend their teaching all month long! Could you see the value in having a set of experts come to you in the comfort of your home? That’s EXACTLY what Shirley has made available for us! I’m particularly excited that Les and I may be presenting for you later this year!
The lineup below gives you the dates and information for each month through 2011! Ticket information to follow! Check back in a few days and I’ll have ticket link information for you!
March 26, 2010 - Blended and Step Families
April 16, 2010 - Weddings and New Marriages
May 14, 2010 - Time for Mom
June 11, 2010 – Focus on Dad
July 9, 2010 - Divorce Recovery and Beginning Again
August 13, 2010 - Successful Single Adults
September 10, 2010 - Parenting Conference
October 8, 2010 - Christian Marriage and Family Conference
November 5, 2010 - Preparing for the Holidays in Your Marriage and Family
December 3, 2010 - Keeping Your Marriage Strong in a Stressful World
In our Marriage 101 Guides we talk about Date Night being a necessity step families. We try to schedule ours weekly even if its a coke break at Sonic, but this week apparently weeks had lasted 28 days. We set the date early in the week to go out Thursday night. Thursday came with work commitments, so we moved it to Friday night. As is often the case, Friday morning we managed to get sideways with one another early in the day. Truth is by afternoon neither of us felt like knowing the other spouse much less going on a date, but such moments tend to prove that a break is needed. We showered and dressed up and headed to dinner together. Headed out the door we were still in the “I may be on a date with you, but I don’t even LIKE you” mode. A misinterpretation of movie start times meant dinner was reduced to a Chinese buffet…but we made the best of it. One of our rules of date night is “no small talk about the children” only grown up conversations. We steered clear of politics and religion and parenting ….known divisional conversations in our lives….and relegated ourselves to polite if shallow conversing.
We have a saying in our home, “I love you, but I don’t like you very much right now” during disagreeable moments. We began date night in that mode. By the time we were settled into the movie “It’s Complicated” we were relaxing and beginning to enjoy the evening. The movie is poignant, if hard for me to imagine having an affair with an ex husband. I have one, and the truth is I cannot imagine anything further from my reality, but the rest of the movie was very poignant in many parts….emotions ran bare and truthful in the children’s and friends scenes. I think they portrayed very well, how uncomfortable and trying for children parents’ divorce is….they do have to adjust, they do have to deal with their “family” no longer existing…they do have resentments of not having simple family structures….
By the end of the movie whatever Friday’s disagreements had been were entirely over. I tend to thump Dh playfully on the arm when I’ve been irritated by him to signal him I’m past the anger/upset enough to go forward…and he playfully thanks me for letting him know. ( note that he always irritates me…I’m sure I never do anything that irritates him! ) We are riding some waves of change as my vision, work, and his work have all changed this year. Dh’s superviser has changed twice in the last six months at work leaving him with many more administration responsibilities than he had before and much more stress. Meanwhile my whole world has continually evolved the last ten months and finding the “new normal” between vision challenges and life balance changes has just put us both in the situation of alot of change….seperately, and now in finding our “new normal” together. We don’t even say outloud that the last six months involved a child moving to college in another state, nor a tween becoming a teen or one of our teens becoming a driver….lots of changes the last six months.
Date nights are SO important. It is as though they serve as “redirects” of our daily over busy lives to the two folks who fell in love, they remind us that we are a WE and to celebrate the closeness and our relationship….to take time to prepare and truly spend time focusing on one another.
Today is Saturday and its icy outside and cold. I’ve already been up twice to find where I left my coffee…I’m usually not an early morning coffee drinker since it slows me down (I’m naturally high energy) but today I needed the warmth by the fire. I love early morning times…its my time with God, my time to reflect, my time to say hello to friends on Twitter, and MY time. Everyone else in my home sleeps in when they can, and early mornings are my prized alone time in the house padding around to my favorite chair or desk, reading, relaxing, enjoying the moments.
Our oldest two are now in college and our oldest is married and on her own, our teenagers are 16 and 13. They are my original children , though we consider all of our children ours. Technically the older two were biologically Les’s the younger two my own.
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