Archive - Real Life Tales of Step family life RSS Feed

Altered Plans….

April 23, 2008 in Growing Into Lovely, Real Life Tales of Step family life with 2 Comments

The day went not as all as planned…..homeschooling quickly done, a trip to help a single mom friend…..new baby bunnies born while we were at her country place (yippee!) …a hurried trip home to get ready to leave for Memphis…..and then the younger children’s natural dad called and said he was 60 miles from our home.
Several emotions hit me at once……a) of course, you don’t ever stick to agreements (we were to meet in Memphis) b) how nice, I don’t have to drive tonight for 5 hours straight roundtrip and c) ewwwww this man is obsessive compulsively a neat freak and my kitchen isn’t compulsively clean.
By the time I picked up the boys from school and ran home I had 10 minutes to hit a lick at a snake in the kitchen and call to see where he was. On the phone he was friendly enough…our usual candor of how was the trip, etc. Upon arrival in the house though, he turned on the “I don’t see or hear you game” It was one of the many head games he played when he lived as my husband….pretending that I didn’t exist at times, other times repeating conversations that never happened yet I was held accountable for them.
Exhusbands are best handled as amicably as possible….particularly if children are involved. In my home though, as I am fixing him a bbq sandwich on a bun, chips, and dessert that he asked for…. he has carefully changed now to the “you don’t exist mode” with me. The children try to deflect his ugliness as he comments on various things The children looked a little strained when I would ask a question or comment….he simply chose not to act as though he heard me.
Then came the joyless comments “Surely in this house there are paper towels….” No, I’m sorry we’re out. “Surely you have some grapes to go with this” No, we have pears and apples, would you like one? “Surely you have x brand of bbq sauce” No, I’m sorry we don’t buy that. Its a matter of putting me in my place …..and I am sure at some level its about saving face when he walks in a nice enough home, with children who are doing well…. Its gotta be a tough thing to know you threw away a family….and nine years later are alone, living at your parents or alone, changing jobs every few months and driving your sil’s new car, while your old truck is at home. I still pray that he finds God and a new life in Him.
I try not to take it personally when the children’s natural father, my exhusband, vents or acts out in my home or elsewhere. I am terribly sad for him. After all, I have been blessed. My world is indeed better without him, though I am so sad he chose for it to be this way. God has healed my heart, he restored my life and sent me a Godly man who is father to my children and prince of my heart to me…..who loves me for me.
Its harder to see your son put up his wall…..to witness me treated this way (and try so hard to pretend his dad, whom he loves so much and wants to believe is his hero did NOT do that to his mom) and try to turn literally his face or leave the room….knowing he cannot say anything for it threatens his whole holiday if he were to say anything. I assure him when its just us that he doesn’t have to defend me….that it is simply his father’s way of making himself feel better, and not his job to correct or confront.
The children will have a wonderful time with their grandparents, extended family, and once their dad leaves…he will get happy to be with them. He will get past his anger and resentment of the life he could have had here with them. He is mainly mad at himself. Its a hard thing to know too late that things could have been very different.
Divorce is an ugly ugly thing. It is something I would never wish upon my worst enemy…..but there are times you have no choice but to be divorced….it takes two to stay…..
That said….
God is a God of restoration…..two years after the paperwork was final, four years after he left, after we lived in two different states seperated….long after I had determined I would never, ever be involved in a marriage again…..God sent a man from 400 miles away with a plan of His own for a happily ever after……and not long after he arrived I learned that when God and Les Berry are involved in the plan…..

……………Resistance is Futile.

Isaiah 38
I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul.
16 Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live.
17 Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.

Father, Help me to love my children’s father the way he is, not the way I would wish him to be. Keep them safe on the highways, help our children witness to him in their time with him. Thank you for the grace of the life you have given me, restored to me, help me to use the pain a broken marriage caused for good….to help others not go there, or when they are broken to help them find you again in the ashes. In Jesus name, Amen

Reflection about Early times…

March 23, 2007 in Real Life Tales of Step family life, The Berrys with 0 Comments

Its probably not surprising to you that remarriage is not always welcome to our extended families, ex’s, or children. In my case (Sweetie) there was much fear involved in whether or not I would remarry. My children were young when I divorced, 3.5 and 6.5, and I had weathered a rough hard road in the divorce….moved nearer my parents a year later….and had re established myself as a teacher in a nearby community and settled in. Remarriage to my parents presented fears of financial stability, emotional/physical abuse of myself or the children, and concern that I would once again forever marr my children’s life by introducing them into a world that might not be positive for them. His parents were none too pleased either, though more publically accepting. In our case, both had been divorced and left behind by others long before we ever met each other.
In our case, we were talking about his children moving a state away from their mom (six hours) and extended families, my stepdaughter coming her senior year and my stepson moving away from his one close friend. The children had choices, but did choose to be with us from the beginning. Daughter chose to stay at her natural Mom’s for six weeks before joining us. From the beginning we had a full plate…..
The logistics were interesting, recreating my two bedroom home historic duplex into a single family home, figuring out how to transport 5 of us to public school where I taught in my Honda Civic with 4 backpacks! How to change recipes from 3 servings to six plus servings. The budget was a whole new ballgame as my new husband accepted a lesser job to come to our area the first six months….house payments until another house sold for 9 months….well, lets just say before we ever got out of the starting gates, the deck was loaded.
I laughingly say that every month we were married we should get 1 year’s credit with starting out with 4 children ages 5,8, 12 and 17. We literally celebrated each month on the 14th and still do! We had little money for date nights, so we often took walks, slid off to sit and share a Sonic drink and five minutes of parental time down downtown alone, and worked hard to try to hold onto the fact that despite the complications around us we were still newlyweds.
We live in the South and in the Bible belt. Divorce is not as uncommon as it once was, but our reality was that few, if any, divorced and remarried families attended church in our area. We chose to make that a priority. Little did we know that that choice alone at times would add to the discomfort of the remarriage. People weren’t trying to be unkind, they simply had no experience with remarried families in the church there. We had children who had visitation every other weekend, so some silly things like attendance requirements for activities made it impossible for stepchildren to fulfill requirements, often knocking them out of activities. Or in a church that had 20 couples on the rolls for blended families, only 2 attended, and the other 18 were graphic about sharing why and when they stopped trying to come…..almost all perceiving a non forgiveness of their sin of divorce. Divorce is often a publically witnessed sin….and while no sin is different in God’s eyes, they are forgiveable, when a family seperates in a public way, it is often the branded D that carries pain for all of them.
We were fortunate that first year to connect to Ron Deal’s http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/ website seminar and book. He’s an excellent resource for stepfamilies. Ron has gone full time with this ministry to families and his work is very realistic to what happens in stepfamilies. Its like going through divorce recovery workshops, he gives you some heads up on things that seem to be the “pattern” for new stepfamilies and blended families and will help you recognize some tried and true methods for succeeding!

Page 3 of 3«123