I read an article that said “there’s no ONE way to be a stepmother” and it implied the many truths of how many roles a woman has when marrying a man with children.  My take on it was a little different however.  Yes, there are many situations in step and blended families, it is very dependent upon family situations….how the relationships started….if there were bad experiences in the past…all that…but they left out one major point.

It’s all about the children’s needs….not the adult’s needs….too often we think money, power, control, necessity, are excuses to do or say things with children that have absolutely NOTHING to do with something a child needs to hear, know, or be a part of…. We cannot allow our own hurts, frustrations, or upsetness to steer the experience our children have with their other parent…no matter how much its tempting to do. After all, your child is 50% that person, so running them down, separating them from them is removing half of who they are…Your marriage may not have worked, but their relationship with their father/mother/stepmother/stepfather doesn’t have to reflect that.  Some things simply are not childhood conversations….even if they ask. A lady lately said but he asked me if his dad had had an affair…the child was 8.  Her reasoning was if he asked, she should answer, my thought is this:

An eight year old isn’t prepared to deal or understand why parents act out…a better response might be “Your dad and I had problems getting along,… it has nothing to do with you..and the truth is… Dad loves you, I love you, but we have to  know we can’t always control with things other folks do, despite our best effort…”

Today’s culture gives women and men permission NOT to parent. NOT to be responsible for the childhood’s of the children in their presence.  Whether its allowing someone else to rear your child, or sending them to some building to be taught values and religion, we’re outsourcing our childrens lives.  My step children have a mother…however she was 400 hundred miles from their daily life for many years…if I didn’t mother them, no one was there to….so they became my own in every way in our home….always with respect and inclusion as much as we could of their natural mom….

I won’t debate the work or not work theme….the truth is I’ve done both.  I am not naturally bent to order, schedules, and routines of home keeping, nor have I the funds that for many years meant that I came home. when  I did come home from working full time, it meant we would take 60% less and do more with it even with me doing a home business for “mad money’ or “mad socialization” or “mad at being broke when I wanted something for our family.”

however

the one thing that continues to keep me working odd h ours, rising before dawn to work and working late some nights so I can be present when the children are home or around is this:

1) My father, a doctor, whose mother went to work in the 1940′s when he was 7 and who has pushed me my entire life to be all I can be said this of me coming home after advanced degrees to figure out a different way to do it…

“My quality of life went down the day my mother went to work….we had less money, but when she was home I had more childhood”

2) My own children, who went from a middle class life in Dallas to a rural life with 1/4 the income and “stuffings” at the end of the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th  years all agreed unanimously , both natural and step children, that they preferred me home. Unity in those days was impressive….unless it was against their step dad and I….but their voices were clear.

3) I taught in public schools for over a decade…the number one thing my youth whether in children’s programs at church, or youth programs at church, or in my grades Pk-12 where ever I taught…..all said specifically they wished their parent’s ‘got” them, wished their parents spent more time engaged with them, not just survived life together…..this was a continuing theme consistently even when parents worked, they recognized that family time was needed,

We do what we have to do….my own feelings are of little consequence….however I urge you to truly identify what and why you work and make sure that the time of your life you’re devoting to it is supportive of your core values for your life on your own or with your spouse and the lives of your children.

The roles of step mom and mom are important.  We do not have to be the same in any defining way….except one…

we are charged with creating the space for our children to love us both, without laying on guilt, shame, anger, or resentment for being children with two households….and its not our right to do anything that adds more stress to their already fractured life….

so I encourage you to put on your big girl pants and work on doing what creates peace for your children…even if that means learning to make peace with their other parents.

Sweetie

I love bloggers. I particularly love reading the blogs of folks I know, or in some cases want to know. The past eleven years of blogging has blessed my life with friendships, followers, and experiences I cannot begin to share with you deeply enough in a meaningful way.  Blogging has grown up so much in the past two years…for me its a struggle.  Many bloggers are expanding, turning it more and more into a demonstration of skills achieved, beautiful containers created, financial connections made…and I value their success if that is what their goals were.  If I am not careful I can absolutely go that route….of measuring myself against others…of feeling not enough…of seeking to impress instead of simply being me….of focusing on achieving something other than what we intended to do….which was simply to share our journey as a step family and help others with lessons we’re learning or have learned…most of the time the hard way.

Sometimes it seems that everyone Else’s “just being me” is wildly more successful than my life, as I am.

This year God has so pressed upon my heart that I am to focus only on that which He puts before me. That I am not required to make His plans for me….that my planning, in fact, sometimes hinders me from living the life He has for me….the measure of my success?  Surrender, obedience, choosing joy for what He has for us.

Ouch.

Control is such an alluring thing. The entire concept implies that the more we take effort to control, the more efficient and successful our life would be….but God seems to be constantly a God of the interrupt…ask Noah, ask Abraham…they probably didn’t see their lives going the directions God took them either….and I’m sure it all felt crazy at the time…..

I answer the greeting “how are you?” with Crazy as usual…for this life that God has no doubts put Les and I together in…is not the path Les and I thought we’d be on….given our choice we’d prefer a much more sedate, quiet in the shadows kind of life…but this is the life that God has brought us to, and its anything but quiet….

Today I read a friend’s blog on what she will give her children  , she is someone three years ago I would have had no reason to know, yet I adore and appreciate all that she is today.  She is not of my league, she lives on a higher plane both socially and in her scope of influence…but I am thankful for her presence in my life.  The value that continues to keep me in awe is how God weaves such folks into our streams, how even when we end up in places we never thought we’d go…or when things don’t work out as we first thought, that God brings value to our experiences….and uses them for His purposes…my lessons seem continual, but I value all that God has aligned in my schooling.

It is a time of pruning again, of looking deeply into a time that Les and I both know is happening…of accepting the responsibility of focusing on a life we might not have chosen, yet know is ours to live…..this morning I am aware that the road is a different path….and that as lovely as others lives seem to be, and as well done as many of them are in their sharing of their lives….we are simply to be ourselves and that will be enough.

It seems like this year I have twice the summer visitation happening. The teenagers had different schedules this summer so I am thrilled to have one at a time time with both of them.  Madison is thirteen this year and is on a mission trip with our youth group. This is her first big week long camp away that Mom didn’t attend. She is thrilled!  Chaser is still in his oh so long day in day out summer school schedule four days a week.  With Les gone it means that I am making the 400+ mile treks back and forth to accomodate their split visitation schedules by myself…boy do I miss our car rides together!

Part of our couple time is always the time alone back from taking a child to visitation.  It is time for us to discuss, reflect, and to enjoy that which is working in our lives. I love those talks.

We added a puppy to the mix this week.  Heaven help us we have six dogs at the moment.  Three labs and three fluffs.  Miss Bella is a Shih Tzu that was a granddog of my first Shih Tzu and the last litter of her mama….we couldn’t resist!

I am hoping that one of our labs goes to live in the country soon with friends of ours. Drake is not a happy city camper!

Deployment is going well for Les. He is currently at  Camp Kandahar, which is in Southern Afghanistan. The temperature was 120 there today…can you imagine?  I get to talk to him via Skype usually every two or three days. We can text or talk but its an expensive endeavor $8 a minute, so we do not choose to do that often!  Les has a mailing address now, if you’d like to know it please leave me a comment and I’ll email it to you!

God is growing us both this deployment…we have  a strong marriage, we have continually depended upon God and each other from its inception, but this deployment God is really working through some pruning processes…and I am seeing already the fruits of His labor.

This week I was reminded of a very important lesson I learned when we were just beginning as a blended family.  In each of our original families, there were two children, a girl and a boy…our new family meant four children who suddenly changed their rank as we became one family.

Les, Dh, is deployed in Afghanistan.  He is away for six months. Our youngest is doing visitation in Arkansas for these three weeks leaving son2 and I home alone.  What a special time this has been. At sixteen he and I often are akin to sandpaper with each other….he is fighting for independence, I am fighting to keep boundaries that help him stay safe. As we drove to football camp on a ten hour drive I remembered why it is so important to date each of our children. Those ten hours each way were so very healing to our relationship. With just us in the car, the range was quiet sharing of time to deep sharing of what has worked, is working, or we hope to change in our daily lives. Good stuff.

It was also amazing to have his natural dad show up with Madison at the camp’s close unexpectedly. Our roads are not always smooth, but we were able to all sit together, cheer on our favorite quarterback and then share a meal together before we drove ten hours home.  Those kind of experiences is just what their Dad and I hoped for when we parted ways so many years ago….a peaceful co parenting…a putting the children first kind of relationship…

It’s worth working through the hard times for….

Sweetie