Even though its not Wednesday, I’m halfway through the whirlwind appointments and road trip that is my life this week….my gosh how hard to work a 60 hour week in 5 days, its been a whirlwind like you cannot imagine….exhilarating….frustrating….thrilling…..full of laughter….and thoughts…..and totally out of my normal wife, mom and stepmom existence. This week I am the virtual writer come to life for clients, meeting those I work with from miles away and never in person. I have developed new clients, met old ones and had opportunities unforeseen. God is so kind, He allows me to have tastes of things I so want sometimes so that I learn it indeed is not what I want…..and so allows me to humbly come back to His feet and thank Him profusely for allowing me the insight to know that He knows best….always…I am incredibly blessed by God’s love and grace in my life. To be allowed such incredible experiences with family, friends, writing and sharing with others……its just a breathtaking thing to realize how blessed I am….and to have a husband who allows this and encourages me to try….and children who cheer me on….well, its just amazing.

Today we worked at home since our Sunday was Saturday afternoon/evening at Fellowship Bible. After a morning of business discussions we (my friend and I) went to do a power shopping trip for her. One of my most favorite roles in life is to become the personal stylist for clothing with professional friends of mine. I do this informally with friends but also as a business offering for an elect few of folks I find interesting and worthwhile to “play” with at the business level. Today was such a day….oh glory! Rogers Arkansas has one of the new village style malls that just opened with all my favorite vendors, Coldwater Creek, Eddie Bauer, J Jill, Talbots, and we had the most fabulous experience with a more than adequately trained salestaff at Coldwater Creek. My new favorite lady of Northwest Arkansas, Miss Anne, a former school teacher, whose grandchildren call her Schwtee just like my license tag on my car and I hit it off immediately. They are such neat folks there before we left they invited me to have an after hours event with some of my clients in this area…….and provide the staff and refreshments for me! LOVE that store manager, she and I speak the same personal service language. She’s So There! the business will be using their store for our Coldwater Creek offerings to my personal clients from here….on they speak my language, Southern Hospitality styled with gracious knowledge, my favorite!
How fun was T.J. Maxx where I found the hangers to match the master bathroom redo in Ivory and Toile with a modern twist….and a candle to match! Not to leave out the polks dot etched 10 glasses for $10 found on sale! It was an annointed shopping day and a good time was had by all.
Be blessed!
Sweetie

Mrs. Goofy, Stayce and Nester….you were here virtually in my heart! Can’t wait one day until we can all play together!

This week I am travelling away from my husband. The business I am developing and working had many appointments in the same general area of Northwest Arkansas, which made it easier to come here than to do this seperately from home. Besides, we have great friends there that are a joy to be with.
When I entered their home I always go into “off” mode even though I am travelling with children. The children have children their age there and they are pleasant to entertain each other leaving the adults to do work or visit.
We have very different boundaries as a family. Each of us very specific in what the levels of discipline are to be towards adults. I simply don’t want my children to talk back to me when given a direction. If they are in disagreement, they may politely do what is asked immediately then come politely back and explain why they feel the request should have been different. (as in “I took out the trash last time”) and at times they do indeed point out some indiscrepency on what has to be handled more fairly. The children we are staying with are allowed to make faces and words back to parents on directions….its interesting to see how that plays out.
I am the slacker parent where policing the children at home to do more that they are capable of doing. If their rooms are tolerable, their towels and clothes off the bathroom floor and the measly chores I give them are done, I think we have success…..my friend Glenda’s children regularly show me in Alabama that mine could do more!
One of the boundaries my children do understand though is their behavior is an indicator of who they are and who our family is. I was proud of the two of them this weekend as they helped out, took responsibilities without being asked and were kind children. I am so blessed by them.

hugs,
Sweetie

Well. I don’t look or write nearly as beautifully as Sweetie but I wanted to make sure those of you following are kept up to date.. I’ve just posted this on one of Sweeties other blogs so I’m being a bit lazy and copying it here.

You noticed the last post where we had the scare of the phone going off. There are disadvantages to having children that are better with your phones than we are. Seems someone had attempted to set an alarm on Sweetie phone and set the tone to the same one as her ringer. SOOOOO when the “alarm” went off in the middle of the night my bride who can’t see without her glasses assumed the same as I would that someone had called. What a frustration factor until this morning when again the phone rang at the same time and the TWO of us finally figured it out. What a moment of realization for the two of us. Makes you feel a little slow some days. I kinda thought I should have thought of something so simple. Rather like where are my keys and someone points to my hand. UGH.

Sweetie has managed to get on the road today in spite of some rather disturbing happenings. All has worked out well but in spite of my best laid plans to make sure Sweetie was safe on the road I rather made it worse for a bit. You see I went out and bought her 4 new tires last night to enjoy her smoooooth ride to N.W. Arkansas today. All was well until I got a call from my darling bride saying one tire was now flat and as fast as my wonderfully helpful son was putting air in it would come back out after he stopped. SOOOOO enter Sweeties Knight in most brilliantly shining armor. (me of course for those not used to my writing yet). I took an extra long lunch break and extended my work day to make up for it in order to rush home and replace the 50 cent valve core that was allowing the air to leak from the tires. Many are probably saying….”what is a valve core?” Well the valve core is that TINY TINY button you see in the valve stem of a tire that allows air in but not out. The new valve stem had a bad core and in turn allowed the air to leak out quite quickly actually. After about 3 minutes worth of work All was well and the tires are absolutely fine now. BUT one thing I’ve learned in my years of being the Knight of the home I know just fixing it is not enough to ensure no worries for all concerned. As a result of my most difficultly learned wisdom I rescued my bride one step further and replaced the valve stem caps with really nice shiny metal ones that will stop any air from escaping even if that nasty old core fails again. SO Sweetie is on the road now knowing she is safe once again.

I’ve had a bit of fun with it but I love being able to “rescue” Sweetie. Nothing makes her feel more loved and makes me feel more needed than those moments when I have the privilege of rushing to her rescue. All I need now is a white steed. lol.
Sweetie used to call occasionally “lost” and needing help finding her way out of an area she inadvertently drove into. you see she’s super brilliant but a bit directionally impaired. She can travel the country as long as she goes the same way each trip. If you redirect her a little bit hang on because it’ll likely be a very scenic ride loaded with plenty of laughter about how she doesn’t recognize anything but she’s loving the old houses or pretty flowers in the yards along the “new” route. I ruined my opportunity to share in those moments as I used to by buying her a “tom tom” last Christmas. I think at first she was a bit offended but almost weekly now she reminds me of how loved it makes her feel knowing I got it for her to make sure she never has to feel scared or lost because she cant’ get in touch with me for help or find her way out easily.

I’ve been really proud of Sweetie lately. I can’t say that enough. We poke fun at each other regular. I have to say though that the last few years have been quite rewarding. We’ve learned a lot about ourselves as a couple and mostly God has given us the ability to learn a lot about ourselves as individuals. When I met Sweetie I had asked God to give me a bride that could help me grow and better myself and at the same time I could help as well. I think that’s exactly what he did. It’s hard learning to change and do better but I would never trade Sweetie. Sweetie is so much the other half of me that it hurts when she’s gone and as much as I act very independent I really can’t do much without her. I’ve learned to rely on her so much. I believe she is in the same boat.

OK…. Enough from Sweeties Knight in shining armor. I don’t want to leave you with your eyes hurting from the shock from my writing style vs. Sweeties. I tend to speak FAR less eloquently than Sweetie but I’m very privileged to be able to come here and Share the opportunity with her. I’ll NOW go update another blog.

God bless you all and Thank you for coming by.
Les

A friend and I were conversing on how, as busy people, we take time to prepare the menus for our family in advance, budgets and dinners seem to go so much more smoothly. This is true for almost everything in a blended family. Setting up the expectation on how this or that will go is such an important part of how we handle our life as a blended family. We set boundaries for our own household, and in some cases, for behaviors within boundaries as a universal expectation. e.g “When you go to a friend’s home, if their parents are unable to be there, or have to leave over say running a quick errand, you are to call for a ride home….for our boundary is if you are under 15, you are not old enough to be with another child in a home alone without supervision” This saves our children from being in an unsafe situation or over responsible at 12. The same kind of boundaries happen when the child goes to the other set of parents home and something doesn’t go well. We’ve taught our children to respond to over invasive questions about us to tell the other adult “You need to ask Mom or Les about that, I don’t want to be in the middle” Kinda gets right to the point. For the same reason, we don’t ask the children to pass messages to the other parent, or step parent…for its the adults job to coordinate, not the child’s. If things are out of bounds with teenagers, ours blame us regularly that they can’t go, have a curfew, or any number of “blame Mom or Dad” ways to go home. The Berry Taxi is ALWAYS open for services if our teenagers call unexpectedly wanting to come home.
Setting up the expectation for how difficult things will be handled matter too. If a child has a beef with something or the situation, when we first married there was much gnashing of teeth, hissing, and grunts…..and I personally found that foul. So we began a weekly calendar talk, which was the time everyone got their activities on the family calendar, and it quickly became the time to bring up concerns. One child once brought up at calendar time that she was the only one who ever picked up towels in the bathroom after the 4 had showered. She was right. This led to a 5 peg shelf in the bathroom and eventually monogrammed towels, so he/she who didn’t do their part was noted. Likewise, another child hated HATED touching dirty dishes, and for him, the expectation was agreed upon that someone else would load the dishwasher but he would take on the unloading of clean dishes full time.
When and if legal issues time comes. Its twice as important to recognize that a child is truly torn…..even if they want to be one place or the other. Its was important to us as parents to relieve the child of the choice. Of course we wanted to know their preference, but at the same time from our marriage on, we have continually set up the expectation that where they live , what school they attend, that will be decided by the parents, not the child. If Mom and ex husband cannot agree, then a mediator will decide, if the mediator cannot decide, then the judge will be the decision maker. In no case will the child dictate where he/she lives any more than he/she will dictate their family boundaries…..well, because they are a child, even T if 14, not the adults. If that expectation with your ex will be set up in solidarity , no matter how far apart you are at some point, your life after divorce will be much better. Setting up the expectation on how emotional situations will be handled relieves the children the burden of not knowing how this is going to go. We feel firmly that a child should be able to come and talk to us about anything….and they do….but they also have to know that there is a method to how one talks about volatile situations….and it doesn’t involve yelling, crying, slamming of doors or disrespectful talk. Yes, emotions run high on lots of family issues, but the expectation is we’re on the same team, even the exhusband….and that team’s goal is to do what is best for the child. Sometimes we simply need to hear the child and say “You know what, we’ll talk again tomorrow night, let us take time to soak this in.” and we do.
Setting up expectations. Its a life skill isn’t it? Choosing to create and live within boundaries that work for each of us. Our words create our world…..watch them….they have the power of life and death within them……Tell your children regularly that “we’re learning to be peaceful folks, and a happy family…..and together we can get through almost anything” and pretty soon, with boundaries, alot of prayer, and heart talks, you’ll be on your way!

You know, a close friend told me once upon a time that to risk loving again was the bravest thing she had seen me do. I had faced divorce and a very difficult marriage to someone I had adored, yet it wasn’t enough to simply love ….and in the end they chose a different life. It was a devestating blow to someone who doesn’t believe in giving up….who believed that if she tried hard enough it would work out. At the time I didn’t see my friend’s conversation to me as a profound statement, but six years into this marriage, I have to admit….that conversation has crossed my mind more than once. You see when you’ve come out the other side of “happily ever after” promises and realized that those vows can be broken, that one cannot make a marriage alone unless two are trying…..the very prospect of truly ever trusting again is daunting. Oh, as Beth Moore has taught, you may have given up the issue that led you to being divorced, but until you give up the memory of it, the fear of it, the rest of it….well, that leavening still will ruin the new dough.
It is so much easier to play life safe. To not risk loving someone with all that you are. To hold back for self preservation some part of your being so that if indeed that new union somehow is taken from you, or health stolen from him….well, you think you protect yourself so that you can go on. However, it is my personal lesson, and one I am continually learning, that to truly love my Les as he so deserves to be loved from me, I must grow through the pain of the past and release its memories and holds on my future with him. I must reach towards all the joy and abundance of love that God can help me muster…. I must be willing to face that which scares me and either conquer it or allow the fear to fall from me and face it head on.
Stepfamilies present difficult issues. There’s often pain, disappointment, struggle and betrayal enroute to arriving at the now relationship. Unlike death, divorce doesn’t mean you are surrounded by those who love you and support you while you deal with your loss. In fact, usually the individual faces some level of judgement, even if he/she wasn’t the one who publically left…..there is the sentiment that you could have done something different to make the marriage work. Divorce is a public thing…..there is no hiding its pain.
Six years into this marriage, there were days when it would have seemed much easier to take my two children and leave. Not that Dh was one to cause this, but the frustration of juggling so many adults’ emotions and needs and the legal ins and outs of custody. I’m sure there were many days, my Dh wished I would have when we first began…..The emotional baggage from family and exlaws….well, on the best of days its hard, on the worst of them its almost unbearable….and for those of us who were built with hearts that so want family, that so desires intergenerational closeness……the questions they bring to the table of how long this marriage will last, if children are treated this way or that, if he or she is into this marriage for other things other than committed love, or if he/she is running the other one in the ground……well…the outside freely flowing judgements, opinions and questions even when posed as protecting the children’s interest. It can be heartbreaking.
I suppose the easier route would be to close out the world except for our six….but the truth for us is that our children need all of us. They need their natural parents, they need their step parents, they need their grandparents….and it is our duty as adults to be mature enough to not let our difference take away the children’s extended family experience. The children will eventually grow up and out of our homes one day….and at the same time they must be provided for and given family time with both families….its important that the new marriage be tended as the tender planting it is. The storms that come against couples with stepchildren are many…..devestating storms …..sometimes from every direction, but the God of restoration indeed says that as we are obedient and repentant, He welcomes us into His ever loving arms.
God tells us to forgive 70 x 7, and in step parenting we learn its more like 7000 x 7….but our children need permenance. They need to know marriage works. They need to know that no matter how rough it gets, we are committed to loving each other regardless of the dragons we face. My children, six years down the road, have a better understanding of how hard Mom and Dad will work to help heal their wounds and to create a new family for all of us.
I lost my mother to cancer 3 years ago. I watched her fight for her marriage to my father….I watched her fight for her life to spend with he and to see her children and grandchildren live…..I know the pain of losing her…and yet six years into this marriage I no longer am as concerned that the marriage won’t make it ….we are very much committed to forever….but I am more aware that life brings what it does……a friend’s death on her Alaska vacation unexpectedly…..another who’s life was snuffed out by an auto accident lately…..our very days on earth are precious…..when the hard days/hours come……take time to realize we have such a short short time on this earth to love each other……and take time to enjoy every minute of your spouse……and realize that whatever you are facing “this too shall pass” and tell your spouse you love them, you forgive them, and that you want to be with them.
We all need to hear it.

Keep trying with your extended families. Don’t give up, shut down, or shut them out……If you want to find peace with them….keep sending love out to them….keep praying about the situations you face….and seek peace with them until they can trust you enough to allow the risk of loving and trusting again. Satan plays so much with good people in stepfamily situations, he so twists things and uses us as pawns to keep the uproars going….That truly is what is at the bottom of it usually…..fear of losing their loved one, fear that their loved ones may be hurt in this new marriage, or their relationship lost…..but if you are you long enough, and you love their loved one….eventually they will realize you do truly love their child and grandchildren….and one day perhaps they will love you as well.

EDIT Addition:
And as far as extended inlaws….remember: It is a risk to them to risk loving you(or the new spouse) too. They have spent years knowing and loving someone before you….or perhaps being hurt by them…..so to openly offer you their own hearts is a risk for them too. There is much pain for everyone when a marriage dissolves…and that includes our parents….they have seen us hurt and don’t wish that for us again….so give them time to learn your new family….and a chance to adjust….they’ll come around even if they are wary at first….just keep loving them and appreciating them. Even if they don’t, they deserve your honor and appreciation for who they are.

In our family, our blended family values are perhaps vastly different from the other extended families. This keeps life interesting to say the least. Every one’s family has the option to set their own boundaries, as far as I am concerned as mom/stepmom, what happens at the other house is their business within reason. However, there are situations where you have to deal with the other parent’s out of boundaries……
Co Parenting means respecting each other’s rights to choose what they think is truly best for a child….the same child you are choosing what you think is truly best. Most of the time this goes smooth as sliced bread. However navigating the blended bubble can be just as slippery as the soap of the bubble bottle. Cell phones were one of our issues. We wanted them, they wanted them, we felt the children should have serious boundaries on hours to use, etc. They did not. It was a tough dotted line. At first we allowed it to go with unmonitored at cellular service level and only home rules. However, we quickly figured out which child could handle it and which child could not. (Who knew a child could do 401 text messages in a day!)
Some parents want to get into control by ownership. My attorney told me of a parent who said “I bought the car, pay for the cell, you have NO rights to it to the other set of parents when they tried to ground the child from it” As our attorney said “That dog won’t hunt” for anything a teenager has is fair game for grounding if its going to be in my house. Privileges are allowed for behavior earned…..and cell phones are NOT a necessity. Kids by child union rules, take advantage of the multiple slant parenting…..at the ground level parents NEED each other to keep from being used against the other… I assure you even the “nicest” child will do this if it works.
The deal is, regardless of your resentment, anger, upset or experience with the ex laws…..you will have a happier life if you simply give that mess up. Deal with the issue at hand and try to solve it, no past involved. Bottom line, you have to do what’s best for you and yours….you try hard to respect and accomodate they and theirs…..but your child’s needs are to come first. Being a co parent means you often give more than your 50% for the sake of peace….but the peace is so worth it. I will also throw in that sometimes you simply have to take the emotional response out of the loop and do what you know you can live with. I had this situation lately over the cell phone. The ex wanted the 14 year old to have no limits on calls out or messages in. I couldn’t deal with that knowing he’d miss sleep to see who texted him. Eventually we chose to return the Ex provided iphone to him….the child can use it at his home during visits…but if we are to be who we wish to be as parents then we’ll provide the phone, set the limits we’re comfortable with, and know the bill is paid. Its simply worth it to us. No disrespect intended for the ex….but if we cannot agree to terms, then we should do it with our finances and not burden his gift with our expectations.
The world has set up so many false expectations for step parents, stepfamilies and blended families, its not the Brady Bunch, but its not Nightmare on Elm Street either. Its about communication, boundaries, and setting and sticking to family goals. It can be done, it must be done, and there are alot of us facing it…..so take a deep breath, ask God for wisdom, and follow the boundaries that most contribute to peace for you and your child!

God Bless You!
Sweetie

Lately, our family has had two opportunities to be with other families to go have fun together. One night was a bowling night with our next door neighbor family, whom we’ve been friendly but didn’t know well. The night was a 99 cent bowling night, so for $12 we managed to get to play 2 games each. It was so good! We laughed and made terrible shots and sometimes had a strike quite surprising us all!
The next nights were at our Vacation Bible School family nights. What fun to circle up at dinner with two other families, ones we didn’t know….and spend time learning them. Later leaving, realising that we have new friends.
When children get to be teenagers, we tend to think they don’t want to be with us any more. Truth is they need us as much or more than when they were toddlers keeping them from bumping themselves on the coffee table. At teenage hood the bumps are much more devestating if they fall headfist into them. Create an environment that allows your home or yard to be the “it” place. I’m not talking buy the latest craze, but make it a friendly place. We encourage Son2′s friends with a car willing to move out of basketball lane any time they wish….gatorade lives in my powder kegs on the shelf…..hot cookies can be 15 minutes away if I keep a roll in the freezer we whip up at more convenient times.
Family game nights are part of our world. We began it four years ago on Thursday nights. Some years it had to be Tuesday nights or Monday nights due to ballgame participation. But those nights, they can bring a friend and we do dinner together with another child (without a guest) helping cook something fun, and then sit down and play Monopoly, or Risk, or something that is fun for us all. When one was younger, we did Yahtzee alot for its Mom’s favorite. Chinese Checkers and plain ole checkers foster tournament times!
There is much enjoyment of allowing the guest child(ren) to come into the cooking scene too. It allows you parent time to know them, to have fun with them as they make a mess and wear an apron, even at 6’3″ The boys report that their friends enjoy time with us….as long as we don’t get “too sermony” which we try hard not to do, however we’re also pretty forward with explaining why we allow and don’t allow our children to do things. They seem to respect it, even the hardest of teens who have visited in the past. Some even share that their parents don’t….and they wish they did.
Its about time. Taking time, spending time, and creating time to BE with your kids. We struggle ourselves not to let “life” take all our time with them….but its a fight worth fighting!

God Bless You!
Sweetie

It is often heard “I’ve got to DEAL with this or that” and yet the last few weeks a quiet voice …the Comforter has said “The most important thing to deal with in THIS house is each other!” How true this rings to me. (well duh, The Holy Spirit isn’t one to bring up nonsense!)

Dealing with each other. Loving each other as we are, not as we wish we would/could be. Not as we want them to be, but as they are.

Jesus asked his disciples to prove their love for him by following the Father’s Commandments but also gave them one new one….to love one another. That doesn’t mean ignoring a behavior that needs instruction or discipline, but it does mean putting the person first, not the behavior. Loving the child, not the outburst…when one comes to a “deal with it” issue, often emotions such as resentment, anger, put off-ness…frustrations are involved…..truly children and husbands and wives can absolutely push our personal buttons….but God commands us to love one another…to treat others as we would like to be treated…..to hold ourselves accountable for our words and our actions….and yet daily as parents/step parents we face the “deal with it” kind of issues. These range from haughtily spoken words, to dirty laundry undone, to plates in rooms after hours, to text messages we know they shouldn’t have written or been up to read, and a host of million other child rearing issues……yet when we are at that place to need to “deal with it” are we operating in love and what is the big picture for rearing that child to be a God centered adult, or are we using the control, anger, fear mode to instill respect of ourselves? Are your methods growing them into God centeredness, disciplined , and joyful or are we teaching them avoidance, the value of going under cover, or avoidance?

I don’t have any answers….but these are the questions I am pondering in my own parenthood….as God grows me….stopping to see what fruit I am producing in my children…and in my own life…..for that truly measures more clearly than any good intention.

“Raise up the child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” in another version, an older language version the verse reads “Learn your children’s bend in the gifts they have been born with, nourish that gift and foster its development, and as they become who God made them to be, they will never leave Him.” Its a modern translation of an ancient Hebrew version of the same verse….but this one rings truer to me to the God I know loves and creates us all to be ourselves….from the very beginning!

God bless you today! Get out there and “Deal with them” and do it in love!

Sweetie!